Give me one pure and holy passion.

you know, growing up, i wasnt a bad student at all.

but i was never the smart-enough-so-i-don't-really-have-to-study kinda student. marks do not come easy to me. i worked hard for what i got for my exams and even tho sometimes i don't get the mark that i felt my effort deserved, i was happy that i worked for it.

but lately i felt like i have been doing it all for the wrong reasons. I did it for my pride, i did it for my parents (so that they'll be proud of me), i did it because i don't want to lose face as the first girl to go to university in both sides of my family. probably why i choose engineering as well.

i never even thought about using it to honor God. up till this moment, i believe the marks i got are what i deserved, what i worked hard for. and to others who didn't get as high, i just think that they didn't work hard enough. i never thanked God for giving this gifts of being able to absorb information moderately quick. for being able to get into Queen's to study engineering, which is quite a prestigious profession in a great school. i've placed self value on academic ability and lately i've realized how wrong i am.

second year has opened my eyes to what looks like the beginning of real life. the complexity of human relationships, self control when given the freedom to do pretty much whatever, usage of money, meaning of true love, friendships, time management and priortizing.... things that i only got a glimpse of before.

i was always in competition with myself and others... i remember choosing to study a little extra instead of msging a friend that seemed to need to talk to. I spent time reading instead of connecting with my ex-roommate, i studied instead of staying up to have deep talks with my floormates. i spent a LOT of time studying and even when i was out, i was thinking to get back quickly and do work. whether i was in clubs, fellowships, or even Sunday church.

things that i regret deeply now. there were friendships that i wish i cultivated

things like that make marks seem so insignificant.


lifting up this pride is going to take a lot of obedience and humility. but i hope God thinks i'm ready to change my life around. i see this person that perhaps God wants me to be, but i don't know where to start.

posted by Queenie @ 8:35 AM